SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
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It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
lol
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.