*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
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*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Worth remembering.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
