Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

what day is it?

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

My dad.

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.