Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

Hello Twits.

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.