Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

I love snow

– People who never shovel

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes