Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
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Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.