Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.

Me: What. Like a cat?

My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.