Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
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Thursday Thought.
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Growing up was a huge mistake
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything