Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

me: can you calm down

The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”