Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

New menu item

Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

me doing my best