Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

incredible

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?

Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.