Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

.. do you even science?

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.