Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.

no

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.