Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

Like sleeping!

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

The Joker was right

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

This is a genius move

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

looks legit

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.