Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

Meow

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”