Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Marlebean

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

@k_lli

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

@Ristolable

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

@PDLComics

bury ourselves

@CrockettForReal

I will out-dad you simply by placing more burgers on my grill than yours. How many burgers is that? I have 27

@BooFricketyHoo

Dried up sea monkeys taste nothing like chicken. Related: Never ever put your kids seamonkey packets near your cup o’noodles packets. Ever.

@English_Channel

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

@urfavoritejoel

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

@SadPeruna

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

@BGH70

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.