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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else