You Might Also Like
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Friendship with me is challenging because I am hiding somewhere in your house and you have 15 minutes to find me
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical