Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

I don’t make the rules sorry

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.