Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

Disgusting if literal: Liverpool

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?

Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”

[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…

[while house is on fire]

Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.

Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?

F: but the house is on fire.

Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.