Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

“what that mouth do?” complain

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

Never deleting this app.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut