Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.

Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]

6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.

5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!

Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

Kids: Stay in school.

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.