[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
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My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
People buying plungers never look happy.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Guilty! 🤪
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.