Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?

A catchupino.

#RubbishJokes