Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.

I’m about to make it rein, deer.

(Please don’t block me.)

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?