@GrantTanaka

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

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@spitfirehussy

You’ve been found guilty of murder in the 1st degree. Your sentence is 20 years of being trapped in a FB group message about a baby shower.

@SarcasticSadOne

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

@yenniwhite

Goals for my kids before I had them: teach them Spanish, only use positive reinforcement, never yell.

After: get them to put on pants.

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

@chagger73

Going down on a woman is the best.

The way her thighs cover your ears so you can finally get some quiet time…

@JohnLyonTweets

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

@samuelhlowe

– Baby, do you think I have too much makeup on?
– That depends. Are you gonna try to kill Batman?

@psybermonkey

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

@millercycle

just heard a 19-year-old talk about how ‘exhausted’ they were please send bail money