[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
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it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
no one ever comes back
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”