Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill