supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
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the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.