supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
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dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.