supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
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Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
A warm tortilla will open up your pores nicely. Don’t ask me how I know this.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…
Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
Every time my phone rings
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
