Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

*puts my mental health in rice

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers

“LOL, NOPE”

-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then