Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

👍

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.