When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
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it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
sensitive skin
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.