[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
*deep inhale*
YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Incredible customer service.
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
