[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Fight
