Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank