Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
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Two types of dogs.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
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Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
“you look easy to draw”
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.