Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
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Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
SQUARREL
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.