Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

They also CAN sing✌️

Tuesday

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

S O O N

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her