Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

Her, 5: can I have another pickle?

Me: no more pickles

Her: can I stare at the pickles?

Me: sure

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

[montage of me giving-up]

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

Yup

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius