superterriblemorningexpialidocious
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losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.