superterriblemorningexpialidocious
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Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet