Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

What personal space?

My dog

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.

How I know this is unimportant.

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most