Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

If my kids invented a drink.

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…