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Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.