Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

They should make a moral fiber supplement

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes

ㅤ

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.