Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

Labreador

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.