Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.