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Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
rapatouille
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
My birth announcement for our third baby
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
oh she’s cooked
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs