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Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night