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9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Blew out my flip flop…
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today