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Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
normalize having existential bread
When ur friends with white people
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
i wonder why they stopped looking
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.