Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
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The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
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As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I forgot how to panic. Help
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you