Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
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Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Story of my life…..
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Young Sheldon
Sheldon
Elder Sheldon
Sheldon on Death’s Door
ETERNAL SHELDON OF THE THIRTEEN REALMS