Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

indiana??? now they’re just making up states

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”