Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

serving silly goose instead of turkey

Stephen King ruined corn children for me

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.