Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

“No way.” -Jose

Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE

*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.