Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.

Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

Something Saturday.