Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
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[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Blew out my flip flop…
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one