Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

Hmmmmm

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.