Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

If I make my 3yo a ham sandwich he won’t touch it but if I make myself a ham sandwich he’s gotta have the entire thing

people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

Can i borrow your truck?

Me: no problem just read the dashboard

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…

… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”

“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”

“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”

My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet