Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
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“That’s so cool,” she lied.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man