Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

Math at Halloween.

Not all heroes wear capes.

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief