Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Mad Max: Furry Road
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
This checks out
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!