Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.