Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
You Might Also Like
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.