Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
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I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous