Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
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Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
What if all the cashiers are married?
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Siri: Retweet me.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger