Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
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INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
No one :
Me when I swimming :
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
They also CAN sing✌️
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
this is the best interaction on twitter
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.